I have this thing. Maybe it's not so much a thing, as an issue. I don't really know what it is. It's something about me. I'm going to write about it for a short while. Partly, it's so that I can try to come to terms with it. Partly, it's to explain it to those close to me. I imagine that some people will recognise what I'm talking about soon. Maybe you know about it, maybe you suspect it, maybe you won't realise until I mention it now.

I have an effect on people. I say this to melodramatic and catch your interest, because I suspect it might be waning under all this ambiguity. Please do forgive me, I'm trying to explain something a little bit.... spiritual here. Symbolic expression doesn't really cut it.

So: people are different when I'm around. Well, of course they are! Everyone acts differently around different people... it's all to do with how you want to appear to people. But my presence seems to affect people a little more regularly than one might expect. Well, here goes – lets throw around a few symbols, see if anything clicks. I have a soothing effect on people. I give off a calming aura. My brain waves allow people to relax more. I have an extremely easy-going personality. I don't know it's something like that. Hopefully some readers have a sense of what I'm getting at now. Let me explain it a little more thoroughly.

When I was younger, I was a Good Boy. I didn't get into trouble, I did all my homework, was never late, and all the rest. But I did have a tendency to hang around with some Naughty Boys. A lot of my friends would get into various kinds of trouble, misbehave, and generally be a little wild. But never so much when I was around. When I would visit the Naughty Boys after school, their parents would frequently report that they were less trouble when I was around. They'd consistently mention a calming influence that I had. We're not talking about life-changing acts of goodness being performed in my name, or any concious effort on my part to Make The Bad People stop. Merely that children would generally be better behaved when I was around.

Hopping forward to later school days, an enemy of mine once mentioned it. Say whatever you like, but social politics make life interesting! In the school, or workplace, or in the local pub, people enjoy making friends and enemies alike. It's just natural – a little competition makes life interesting, helps us perform better. So, I had my own enemies. I didn't particularly like this fella, and he didn't particularly like me. He was far bigger than me, so it rarely came to blows. But we'd jibe each other, triumph in each other's defeats. One day, in an english lesson, our teacher was explaining the word Charisma. For those not in the loop – a charisma is a sort of force of personality which some people can give off. It's a strange sort of quality which some people have which makes other people like them, trust them, and generally incline towards them. Well, my Enemy of the time said to me, in that very same lesson, that 'You have one of those'. Coming from such a distant source, this seemed quite powerful at the time, but I wasn't sure what to make of it. I mean...Charisma? Little old me? Thinking about it, I'm pretty sure that Charisma isn't what I have. But he hit in the right sort of ballpark.

Over the years, I've had plenty of friends. I think it's fair for me to look over them and identify a sort of pattern. Generally speaking, my friends have travelled a more stable road when I've been around. That kinda seems like a horrible thing to say, but stay with me here. A very close friend of mine developed all sorts of bad habits shortly after we lost contact – getting into drugs, and all sorts of trouble. We got back in touch for a short time, and it looked like he'd pull himself straight. But we drifted apart again. The last I heard, he got himself into all kinds of trouble. There are similar stories for lots of my closest friends. Now, I'm not trying to say that anyone who doesn't know me will fly off the tracks. It just seems that whatever it is about me helps people to keep away from such things.

Alcohol is a good example of this. I don't drink myself. I often wonder why this is the case, and come close to breaking that habit. Normally though, I realise that I really can't afford it, so it all works out OK. But here's the interesting thing. If I should go to a party, or some gathering where people intend to drink heavily, or normally would drink heavily; everyone slows down. Something about me calms people down a little, and generally people seem to drink less and take things easier. I've spent time with countless people who tell me that they're tired of drinking, they've grown out of it, they don't enjoy it anymore. And while I'm around, they don't drink so much. But when I stop spending time with that person, I'll often notice that they're out every other night, partying hard and going crazy. I'm not going to take any space here to make a judgement on any of this... people do their own thing and enjoy life and that's great, it really is. But why, when I'm around, do people enjoy life in other ways? What is it about me that makes people calmer, perhaps more steady, when I'm in contact with them?

Maybe I'm being paranoid, maybe I'm being daft. But I'm fairly sure of the patterns here. I'm pretty sure of my effects on people. Some people don't like it. It threatens or intimidates them. I'm often awkward around people I don't know, but I often sense the same. I think people sense something about me, and don't know what to do with it. They back off, put guards up, all kinds of stuff. Nothing strong or direct, or even impolite. I'm talking subtleties* here, but I often feel that people don't know how to deal with me. I freely admit that I look for other people to lead a conversation or meeting. And often, even with confident people, I don't get a sense that they're able to easily lead things, and I feel like I'm working extra hard to keep a simple conversation alive. Maybe I'm trying to force this weirdness onto my own social weaknesses... but maybe there's a genuine connection.

Over a long period of time, I really struggle to maintain friendships. Perhaps people become aware of my influence (concious or no. From both perspectives), and try to break away from it a little. I struggle to think of anyone who I've been close to for more than two years. Good friends and lovers alike, even the most solid relationship seems to break down before too long. Every year, or at least every other year in school, I found myself spending time with completely different groups of people; feeling suffocated or unwelcome by previous friends. This could be perfectly normal, and I'm sure it happens to everyone. But I get this every year, and I'm convinced that I give off subtle signals to people. Whatever this thing about me is, I think it does as much harm as good. Of course, whether any of it is good is extremely subjective.

So. There is something about me. I have something, or I do something. I don't think I understand it, and I certainly can't say why. But things have been said, and noticed, and done, and it leads me to this. Maybe it'll click for someone, maybe not. I think something has clicked for me though.

*Is anyone else tickled by the irony of highlighting the word subtlety?