I'm Going To Stop Pretending That I Didn't Break Your Heart
i'm gonna tell you what you need to hear
and i'm a little too late
by three of four years
and it might not make much sense
now that we're apart
but i'm going to stop pretending
that i didn't break your heart
you see i never thought enough of myself
to realise that losing me could mean
something like the tears in your eyes
and i want to tell you i'm sorry
and it's too late to start
but i'm going to stop pretending
that i didn't break your heart
and it's christmas eve
years down the line
sitting here wishing i'd treated you better
when you were mine
and i have no way of knowing where you are
but i'm going to stop pretending
that i didn't break your heart
i didn't mean to hurt you
i didn't know what i was doing
but i know what i have done
I'm going to be a bit careful here. Hearing these lyrics being sung was like looking at myself in a mirror. This is a song that I can really relate to. Pretty much every line. Obviously, I want to share the intense power these words have, and share that immense profanity that lasted for the 3 minutes and 56 seconds that this song played. But I don't want to labour my own story. Instead, I'm going to try to show the points of brilliance in this song.
It should be pretty obvious just reading the lyrics - but this is all extremely prosaic stuff. No fluttery verse here. No playing around or pretty pictures. This is real, honest feelings, written down on the page. Even the title - in its awkward length and clumsy expression (it takes some thinking to get around all those negatives) - captures the honesty and real-ness of this song. Maybe thats why it hit me so hard.
It's only barely sung by E, really. It's practically spoken, conversationally. Or maybe its just sung in a downbeat, casual manner. Either way- it does feel like a direct address from one person to another. Like a real monologue.
The subject of that address is simply that he has realised that some relationship he was in, several years ago, was more important than he realised. He never really believed that She could love him, and so assumed that she wouldn't really miss him when he wasn't around. Presumably he took a casual attitude to things, making less effort than he should have done. Of course, he was wrong - as shown by the tears in her eyes. What a wonderful expression that is - 'to realise that losing me could mean / something like the tears in your eyes' . And later, when he's had time to properly think about things, he realises how much harm he did. He broke Her heart - and for years pretended that he didn't, and that she never loved him. To come to terms with something like that, and to be that honest both with yourself and with someone else, is pretty difficult. I guess thats why it took all those years; why the apology is so late.
The start of the song is brilliant too. By which I mean the first verse, but also I mean the introduction to the apology. This perhaps is something that you only pick up on first time round - but its so slow! E really takes his time to get around to what he wants to say. He dithers - the first 5 lines of the song are pretty much meaningless. It's because the words, obviously, don't come easy. The precisely clumsy introduction kinda highlights the awkwardness and difficulty of the situation. It also increases the sincerity of the song, and gives a little tension and dramatic build up the first time its heard. Just brilliant.
Muscially, the song is as prosaic as the lyrics. But in the same way as the straight up lyrics deliver the song wiht intense honesty and realism, so the plain music sets up the sincere tone of the song. Don't get me wrong - it's a really nice tune we're dealing with here. Acoustic guitar, strumming slowly, and a gentle bassline. It's sad music, but not too over powering. There's a nice gentle lead guitar too, giving the song something extra. It has a strong image, for me. It's a nice, deep brown song. The lead guitar notes are like ripples on calm water - something like gentle rain on a canal.
Something a bit special, then.