My View On The World
There is little doubt in my mind
that everything I understand about my
life is wrong. I am quite
certain that I am not who I think I am, and
that the universe does not operate in the manner in which I believe it to operate in.
Clearly, life is not a well
photogaphed and scripted
movie. Even more clearly, I am not the hero
of the piece....
Everyday I see things happen. Everyday, I talk to people, and have feelings for them,
and thoughts about them. These sorts of things leave an impression upon me which alters, in
some way, the way in which I interpret the world. Everyday I perform actions, for reasons which are unclear even to myself. These things
are often trivial, but sometimes they alter the course of my whole
life. Everyday I change, and the universe changes around me. My actions are
the result of my self, and thus a reflection of how
the world appears to me. For these reason my actions - though they may
be stupid, ignorant or harmful - are justified
to me at that precise moment at
which I decide to carry them out. However, the instant I carry out that
action, the universe (and my mind) changes: and that momentary
jusitifaction and clarity is lost
to me, forever.
My mind is a terribly complex thing - and not uniquely so. Humanity -
hell - consciousness is a
terribly complicated thing. My thoughts and feelings (which are
frequently contadictory) cause me to do things. For example, my opinion
about what Billy thinks about me will have a strong influence upon the
way I speak to him.
Occasionally, the universe is
kind enough to show me, in slow motion freeze frames, Dolby Surround,
widescreen, et al; just how perverted
my view of the world is.
A good example of this as when my girlfriend
left me for someone else. I realised then just how wrong I was about, well, everything.
I realised that I was not the saint I thought I was, not a person she
could rely on: I was not even as close to or supportive of her as I thought. I
realised that she was not as unforgiving of my flaws as I was conceited
enough to believe; she was in more pain
than I had even feared; and more needy that I could ever appriciate*.
That delightful cliché of 'moments of clarity' is nonsense. These things are an
almighty explosion of reality:
shattering time, reason, logic and distorting the worlds appearence.
The shockwaves of this
explosion are still rebounding in my skull: like a tidal wave in a
goldfish bowl, waves colliding and merging as they roll off all sides of the
glass; occasionally with enough force to make the bowl itself tumble and roll across the floor.
Things like this happen to me alot lately. Perhaps it is merely the
shockwaves combining which causes more explosions, but time keeps shattering. During a conversation I
may have an outer body experience and I can see and hear myself - and realise what crap I am saying. I will sometimes
cach myself thinking or doing things (often trivial, frequently
misguided, occasionally dirty) which I am utterly ashamed of. And yet I
cannot stop myself, cannot be anything but myself.
I am a spectator to my own
life. A very average, unremarkable, pretty pathetic life.
And I realise, in part, what the problem is. my world is so saturated in heroic fiction and
fantasy - books, films, games, TV, adverts, other peoples lives - that
I can't get away. This has a huge impact on my impressionable,
all-too-human mind.
As the hero moves so effortlessly though his problems, carving his enemys into blood-soaked
pieces; I attempt to imitate his attitudes
(and to an extent, actions) in my own life. I become the hero of the story - brave, strong,
fight for right, never back down. Every day I wrap my life into this conceit, unable to see the real me.
I convince myself that my
actions are entirely justified and good, my motivations always pure, my
every effort always my best. I
am one of the good guys, and the world is just full of bad guys. I am
watching Joe's Life: The Movie.
my brave battle against the evils of the world. One lonely hero doing
his bit.
This, clearly, is bollocks.
Although Hero Joe is just Joe in a good light - rose tinted sunglasses,
not a radical makeover (that is, I do not fool myself into thinking
that I am all powerful and perfect - but I lead myself to believe that
I am far better than I truely am)- the movies just ain't real life. I
won't always win, never will
save the day, won't always get the girl, and cannot claim to be a Hero;
or a Victim of the Gods; or a lovable heroic underdog. I'm just me, failing by my own standards every single day.
Just like everybody else.
*Not in a pathetic bad kinda way. More, she needs someone to look after
her, to care for her, to appriciate her more than I had thought. That
is to say, she is deeper and more soulful than I can appriciate.